|Posted by sean berry on February 6, 2011 at 12:22 PM||comments (0)|
There is just no denying the tradition of Super Bowl herein America. In a few hours, I can bet you money that if you drive up and down your street, you will notice just about every other house engorged with partying people and a veritable car show parked up and down each side of the street. I’ve never been much of a sports fan, as I can count the number of sport’s games I watch a year on one hand, but I do enjoy the Super Bowl, though it obviously has nothing to do with football itself. Below I have listed seven benefits to the Super bowl for those of you who don’t like sports, so please enjoy!
7. Women. When and where there are parties, you will find lots of ladies and even the homiest of homebodies usually makes it out to one or more Super Bowl parties, so hit that Binaca guys and try your smoothest pick up lines.
6. Unity. When everyone is doing nearly the same thing, there is a sense of belonging that radiates through the air. Even if you aren’t going for either team, it’s still fun to cheer along with whoever is supported at whatever party you happen to be.
5. Bad Ass TVs. I would have to estimate that at least 5% of people in this country go out and buy a new TV before the Super Bowl, so what better way to stay in touch with all the new brands and features in today’s modern television sets then to sample one for nearly half a day?
4. Bets. There is no doubt that many fans have put their money where their mouth is and have placed some decent sized bets on their favorite teams, so if someone happens to owe you money, this may be your lucky break, although it can also work against you if it’s a friend who loses the bet and they wind up bumming money from you for lunch for the following two weeks.
3. Booze. Oh, the drinking! There is nothing quite like free booze and beer and little else can create an atmostphere of unabandoned hedonism and crude consumerism like people getting sloppy during important sports games. With alcohol in one’s systems, the normal emotional response to the game is enhanced to sometimes near critical levels, causing remotes to be thrown,bottles to be broken, and every curse word imaginable being yelled with heartfelt emotion at the rival football team.
2. Super Bowl Commercials. As a company, when you put your product out there on a day when you know EVERYONE will be looking, you HAVE got to put your best foot forward and therein we have the Super Bowl Commercials. There can be some real gems created when our best marketing gurus twiddle their thumbs in an effort to create a memorable and thus profitable ad, after all, if it costs you millions just for a second of air time, you might want to go beyond the norm and make something special.
1. Food. You have jalapeno poppers to potato skins lined up on tables and counters; standing tall are bottles of soda and big bowls of freshly made and often times spiked punch; bags of chips are nearly everywhere and nacho cheese sauce and tortilla chips reign supreme at the center of most snack tables. It is a day where you will consume more sodium in four hours then you would have normally throughout the course of the entire week. This is also a time when just about every mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, and grill aficionado will be busting out their culinary secret weapons in honor of game day, so be sure to arrive hungry!
There you have it, folks, as you can see there is much to enjoy even if sports aren’t your thing. It’s not whether who wins or loses but who throws the best party and who has the best time. One thing I’ve always liked about Super Bowl parties is that you don’t need to be into any particular team to have a good time. For the most part, the fans are into it enough themselves and don’t require your love or enthusiasm, though if they ask for it and you’re eating their food, by all means be a good guest! We can’t also forget the simple fact that events like the Super Bowl pump a lot of money into the economy, so if anything, celebrate for the simple fact that you can afford to do so. I also feel compelled to say if you’re going to drink, find a place to pass out instead of driving your drunken ass home or you can simply do as I do, get there early, drink a lot, and then gradually sober up as the night progresses. Enjoy the day, folks.
|Posted by sean berry on November 23, 2010 at 1:54 PM||comments (5)|
Hollywood is always about happy endings, last minute rescues, and once in a life time romances, but what if that was not the case? How would certain popular movies be if things didn’t always work out so conveniently?
*spoiler alerts may apply to some of these, so if you haven't seen a particular title here, avoid reading about it*
Twilight: New Moon: Edward leaves Bella for a prettier and younger girl who he will in turn dump as soon as she begins to age even a year. I mean, come on, the guy is a perpetual pervert, masquerading as a teenager for eons and let’s face it, even a 60 year old woman is underage for a vampire, right?
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: The emperor’s force lightning gives Luke Skywalker a heart attack and he drops dead.
Jaws: The U.S.Military is called into action after the many shark related deaths. They respond with a torpedo from a nuclear submarine to dispatch the behemoth shark.
Any action movie: The enemy aims at the hero, shoots, and actually hits him.
E.T.: The boy and E.T. are captured by the government and the boy is held in quarantine indefinitely until they can ascertain if the alien is a real threat or not. E.T. is subjected to a battery of humiliating tests including many anal probes, to which he could only mutter,“My people never anal probed you, why do you have to do it to me?”
The Book of Eli: He walks and trips into a hole breaking his neck. How far can a blind man walk without a cane?
Rocky IV: Ivan Drago says to Rocky, “I will break you”…and he does with a severe concussion, a broken jaw, and permanent loss of motor skills for poor Rocky.
The Fast & The Furious-Vin Diesel is hit from the side by a drunk driver and plows into the guy he is racing. Nobody is killed, but the drunk driver goes to jail for a DUI and the two racers go for reckless driving. There won’t be another sequel until bail is posted.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Sorry Mr. Jones, but you shouldn’t have tried to retrieve your hat from the room with the sinking ceiling because now your arm is pinned beneath the door which had once already carried you to safety. Such a shame too, you had another couple good movies to do.
Predator: Dutch covers himself in mud to hide from the creature but he is killed any way. Apparently, the Predator had another vision filter that the movie didn’t show. I mean, seriously, this creature came from across the universe, had a proton cannon on his shoulder and a small self destruct device on his forearm that is so powerful it could level an entire jungle, so yeah, mud ain’t gonna cut it,bud.
There you go, now while I welcome normal comments, I would love for you all to keep this going, as in comment back with your own realistic ending or conclusion to popular movies. I know there are a ton that I missed and there are a lot of movie lovers out there with a ton of material to add to this little topic!
|Posted by sean berry on October 31, 2010 at 10:30 AM||comments (0)|
As we delightfully live in a world of fantasy, I am always curious to wonder how the products of our own imagination would fair in the real world. So in honor of Halloween, I wanted to look at the fate of our most famous monsters and spooks and see their eventual demise in our particular plane of existence.
The Mummy-Sure, he’s old, he’s cursed, and probably smells rather musty so there is no way this guy is taking you by surprise, nor has he ever displayed any of the speed or dexterity necessary for a surprise attack. He won’t last long because he’s going to wind up attacking someone who smokes cigarettes and you know his desert dried wrappings are going to burn up quicker than a politician’s moral stance in the face of a huge cash pay off.
Werewolves-Half man, half wolf and pure rage and violence, but luckily for infrared imaging and heavy tranquilizers, easily caught, chained up and then forced to fight each other in gruesome battles that would even make Michael Vick shiver. There is also the chance that any werewolves making their way from the forest to the city are going to be hit crossing the road by drunk drivers, especially around the holidays.
Vampires-Though the blood suckers may find that many high school kids adore dressing like them and brandishing fake fangs, what they don’t see is the many cameras around the buildings capturing all their moves to be later studied. Not only do the police forensics officers figure out that a vampire is doing the killings, they are also able to locate his lair and raid it in the middle of the day. A few vampires will survive though and go on to have awesome careers as soap opera stars and one might even run for president!
Zombies-The dead have risen and they are an unstoppable hoard, so what chance does man-kind have against this threat? The government, seeing the limitless potential of a maintenance free work force that doesn’t require any basic benefits or care, puts the zombies to work in various positions throughout society. If you thought trips to the DMV were slow before, try explaining the typo on your new license to the half dead and brain hungry clerk. Even if the government had no work for the ambling undead, the entertainment industry find use for them as'extras’ in music videos and movies.
Ghosts-Those lost souls that wander the earth and pass through walls will find themselves under heavy scrutiny by our greatest scientists. Not only will we figure out how to trap them, but we will in turn, see a huge profit in doing so as they can be neatly displayed for all the world to see and not in the usual trappings of some old derelict factory. We will also crack their secret of intangibility and use it in conjunction with newer car models as a fool proof crash deterrent system.
So you see, there is nothing to really be afraid of, because even if the worst of our fears came true, we would realize that we really should have been afraid of other something else instead. Of course, I would rather be afraid of something unreal, then to think that the worst of my fears actually lives down the street from me and has been canvassing my house for weeks now with murderous intent. So let’s all laugh and have a great time pretending to be scared and scary in a world that is potentially more horrific then we’d ever want to imagine…Happy Halloween!
|Posted by sean berry on October 16, 2010 at 12:08 PM||comments (4)|
The Urban Legend of Zelda: HyruleWars-Drive around the city of Hyrule and stop Ganondorf from distributing grinded up pieces of the Triforce as the new addictive and devastating drug to destroy the nation’s youth. Trade your hard earned rupees for new guns and ammo as well as have sex with Princess Zelda in the back of your car in a dark alley.
Halo Mario World-Take control of Master Chief as he stomps on Koopa Troopers and Goombas and shoots rockets up Bowser’s ass and take control of the Warthog's turret as Mario and Luigi drive you further into Koopa territory to rescue Princess Peach.
Call of Pac-Man-The most played first person shooter meets the arcade classic in a no holds barred eating fest! Take control of Pac-Man as you search the jungle and abandoned factories for enemy players and eat them before they eat you.
Red Dead Donkey Kong-Follow John Marston as he attempts to rescue his wife from Donkey Kong and the gang! Pursue the nefarious ape on horse back as he throws flaming barrels as you from his own Snap Trap drawn carriage!
Final Fantasy City-Have you ever wondered what it would be like to build your own fantasy world and watch it grow? In Final Fantasy City, you can make your own fantasy town amid lands filled to the brim with randomly encountered monsters and watch the stories unfold as heroes are born and save the day.
Dance, Dance Dead Space-The atmospheric and scary first person shooter in space has you busting a move in order to escape the many monsters on the ship, as well as challenge them to random dance offs.
Aliens Vs Predator Vs Street Fighter IV-Take street fighting up another notch as Ryu tries his fire balls against the Predator’s advanced laser cannon and Ken tries a round house kick on a Xenomorph with acid for blood. Try to stop Chun Li from being impregnated by a face hugger and make sure Zangief doesn’t lose his head only to become a trophy for yet another Predator!
Splinter Cell: Double Dash-You are Sam Fisher and it is your job to race a go-kart to victory. Sneak into the garages of your enemies the night before the races begin and sabotage their karts using your arsenal of stealth gadgets and attacks. When the big race is finally upon you, use your silenced weapon to take players out of the race without drawing attention to yourself!
Professor Layton and the Portal of Freedom-Our beloved Professor Layton has been knocked out only to find himself wake up in a mysterious laboratory with only a portal gun to help him get through the various rooms. A menacing computer speaks to him from above about how useless his efforts are to solve the puzzles and that his assistant, Luke, will not be getting any cake at the end of the day.
Fallout 3: Guitar Hero-There is a new way to save a world torn apart by nuclear war and that is to play some crunchy tunes by a multitude of your favorite artists! Earn money in the various post apocalyptic towns by performing at various taverns for bottle caps, but be careful of Super Mutant metal groups which will try to drown out your performance with their own loud renditions.
|Posted by sean berry on October 16, 2010 at 9:12 AM||comments (4)|
As a bad guy, do you feel that you are not getting your point across? Has your goody two shoes counterpart been an unceasing menace in your grand scheme to take over the world? Before you give up on all hope of planetary domination, you might want to check out the crash course for Hollywood villains, which is a three week training camp showing bad guys how to be even badder. We begin by flying you out to our secret training camp located in the heart of a dormant volcano, but don't worry about getting thirsty, because there is a full liquor bar available, as well as catered food by world renowned chef, Gordon Ramsey. We also have many work shops to help villains improve their techniques and avoid common mistakes:
Super Villain Speech Class-As a villain, we know it's important that you give a little exposition, but we also realize that the longer speeches tend to give the hero ample time to escape. C.C.H.V. will show you how to get your diabolical plot across in half the time, but still retain that ominous build up for which you were aiming.
Expert shooting exercises for you and your henchmen. Every villain knows how hard it can be to hit the hero of the day, even when you have 20-30 men at your disposal with automatic weapons. C.C.H.V. has hired only the finest assassins to show you and your men how to aim at and shoot another person! We mean kill shots too, no shoulder wounds, no grazing, no missing vital organs, we shoot to kill, folks.
Menacing Laugh Workshops-What villain wouldn't be complete without a devious, almost blood curdling laugh? Work with our many finely trained speech pathologists as they teach you to laugh from the belly and really give a sense of unbridled insanity when you confront the next hero that comes and tries to stop you. Our staff members also train you in the methods of detecting life signs, so that you don't laugh ominously without being completely sure that you have in fact ended the hero effectively.
Money Management-We realize that many villains need plenty of cash to carry out their plans and not only can we help you in the planning of your capers, but also, we have a host of black market organizations that offer their services to help make your dark dreams come true. All of our trained killers are recommended via FireYourAssassin.com. We also have huge lists of law enforcement and government officials who accept bribes and well as kick backs in your area!
In addition to all of our helpful workshops, there will be a host of guest speakers that will speak on many subjects including "Psychological Warfare? Worth the time or not?" and "Wild Animals That Make Threatening Pets" and of course, "Getting the Girl: The Ins and Outs of Capturing the Hero's Girlfriend and Keeping her Captured!"
After your three weeks is over, you will receive a certificate of completion that you can hang up proudly in your evil lair. Please keep in mind that by telling other people about this place will cause you to forfeit your own life and also know you have only three days to decide if you want to quit the program and get your money back. All major of forms of payment are accepted, weapon and human trafficking also welcome as forms of payment as well, please inquire further for more details. The Crash Course for Hollywood Villains is an equal opportunity employer and a drug free work place.
|Posted by sean berry on October 10, 2010 at 8:34 AM||comments (3)|
Celebrity Hit Club-Are you tired of watching your favorite celebrities getting into shape and lamenting about how difficult it is to exercise and eat well, then do we have the show for you! We break our group of celebrities into two teams, whereby we then have them face off individually using a variety of fighting styles, as well as weapons. Which celebrity will be conscious at the end of the game? Tune in and find out!
Necromancing with the Stars-Networks tired of paying the large salaries of living celebrities call upon the powers of black magic to resurrect the dead to dance for free!
Jersey Whores-Snooki and her friends finally get their own series and show you what it truly means to be a whore in this day and age. Watch her as she flirts mercilessly and gets drunk at two in the afternoon before hitting on the cops that arrest her for public intoxication.
Ghost Punters-For people that were tired of nothing happening on “Ghost Hunters”, comes the new show, “Ghost Punters”, which finds our team of ghost hunters taking very real action to deal with imaginary problems. “Our general philosophy has become that if a ghost is haunting a house, we can then blow up the house, then there will be no place for the ghost to reside. The ghosts don’t seem to fight it much, but the people living in the houses seem to get very angry despite our desire to help free them of their haunting.”
The Amazing Raze! Follow our contestants as they pair up in a test of who can destroy the most shit! Ten teams of two people and one city. Last years winner cleared the city by driving a semi truck off a bomber plane with a nuclear bomb in the front of the engine and the truck itself was filled with sharks, gorillas, and black mamba snakes.
The Fattest Loser-Which overweight contestant is the biggest loser? Watch and find out as we compare two fat guys who don’t work and still live with their mothers! Players compete by generally being annoyed at being asked to do very simple and realistic things like take out the trash or clean up after themselves. The audience will cast their votes at the end of the show to determine Who is the Fattest Loser!
Crops-Follow Pot & Poppy growers as they harvest their crop for the year, filmed on location with the men and women of illegal drug cultivation.
Deadliest Snatch-Originally titled, “The Simple Life”, this show follows Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie as they visit all the finest clubs and have sex with the locals, with sometimes deadly results.
True Mud-Young city girl comes to a quiet town and is lured into the sexy and seductive lifestyle of rednecks mudding with their trucks. This show is real dirty!
Law & Order: Stupid Victims Unit-“You guys need to put my son’s killer behind bars!” “Ok well ma’am, I understand you are angry, but your son has about 20 killers on account of the fact that he rode his dirt bike through a midnight shooting range while they were all testing a host of automatic weapons. We assure you, he did not suffer…”
Fugly Betty-The ugliest, skankiest girl in the office is on a power trip, trying to get all the pretty girls around her fired so she can get the boss drunk at the Christmas party and wind up getting pregnant with his baby.
Extreme Make Over: Your Face Addition-Join our enigmatic host as he travels around America’s hot spots looking for people to bash in the face with a shovel and then ask, “Does someone need an extreme make over now?!”
|Posted by sean berry on October 5, 2010 at 12:57 AM||comments (2)|
The Smurfs (in a lab): Two scientists are hovering over a glass tank and one says to the other, “It’s amazing, all these blue little humanoid creatures off in some random corner of the woods. Even more amazing is how they managed to reproduce so much with just one female!”
The other scientist replies, “She’s quite attractive for a little blue creature…”
“Mmmhmmm, oh yes,” The first scientist agrees, stroking his chin with lust glowing on his face, “Indeed…”
Pac Man (at a dog park): “I told you lady, I eat power pellets, it’s what I do— it’s what I’ve always done! I swear I did not see your dog directly in my path!”
He-Man (in Times Square): “Look sir, for one you have some nerve thinking you can dress like that in times square in the middle of the winter and two, it is illegal to carry a weapon in public, much lest hoist a huge battle sword in the air. And I don’t know who this Grey Skull character is either, but he better have bail money because you’re going downtown!”
Pop-Eye (in a grocery store): “Listen, I’m not sure why you keep squeezing those cans of spinach, but we prefer you purchase them and take them home and open them. Oh and your wife olive asked me to find you and tell you that she was leaving you for Bluto and to expect the divorce papers soon…”
Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales (in an office): “Well, Mr McDuck, due to tax evasion the IRS is going to have to seize all your assets and put you in jail, but we’ll set you free in a nice lake when your sentence is up.”
Donkey Kong (on top of construction site): “What is the ape doing now?” “Throwing barrels?!” “Ok, chief, we have snipers in position ready to fire multiple kill shots on your command!”
The Guy from Grand Theft Auto (in a police car): “You blew up half the city, car jacked over 30 vehicles and wrecked them, killed countless people and then you had sex with a hooker in an alley? In 30 minutes,really?
Trix Rabbit (in a house in the suburbs): “Get your damn hand off my daughter!” The mother shouts. The Trix Rabbit counters, “Look bitch, I don’t care about your whiny little kid, I want my damn Trix!” The mother shouts back, “Listen rabbit, you don’t come into my house uninvited and try to take my kids cereal away from them. Get off the meth and get the hell out of my house!” The mom then pulls a shot gun from behind her back, cocks it, and then says, “Trix are for kids, asshole, don’t make me repeat it!” “Alright, alright, I’ll be back, and those Trix are gonna be mine, you just wait and see... Don’t you little bastards forget that!”
Homer Simpson (in jail): “I strangled my kid all the time! No one ever gave a shit before, why am I in prison now!? Child abuse my ass, the damn kid got green paint all over me…what was I supposed to do? Stupid, Flanders turning me in to HRS!”
The Road Runner (in a drug cartel): “Ok, here’s the deal, we’re gonna strap a couple satchels of cocaine to you and we want you to speed across the border and run right by the authorities, drop off the product to our contact, collect the money and speed your ass back here and repeat. You got it?”
|Posted by sean berry on September 18, 2010 at 12:00 AM||comments (2)|
Good news and bad news are coming. You will find the love of your life soon and if you already have, then your love will win the lottery. Drama may ensue between someone you know or not, but it will be worked out eventually so do not worry. Keep a look out for speeding cars, the smell of gas, feral animals, psychotic samurais, sink holes, falling asteroids, mercenaries, cross fire, spelling errors, over due bills, pot holes, toys with sharp edges, sand spurs, vats of sulfuric acid, 1000 foot cliffs, alien invasions,and of course, potential fire hazards in your own home.
A decision you have been dreading to make will be made easier by someone else. Don’t forget to think of yourself when you are helping others and when the sun is shining on your side of the earth, be sure to use sunscreen. At some point in time, you will eventually run into an old friend and you will share in some nice nostalgia. You will eventually accomplish that which youhave been trying to for ages now. If there is something you’ve been dying to try, now is the time to try it. If you find yourself with a problem, take the necessary steps to solve it.
When this year is over, you will find yourself further along the time/space continuum. When life gives you lemons,make Chicken Francaise or if you don’t prefer chicken, use it on some Shrimp Scampi. Avoid flooded roads, promises of instant wealth, pills offering bigger breasts or a bigger penis, and never trust a man who is holding a gun on you.
|Posted by sean berry on September 5, 2010 at 12:00 AM||comments (0)|
Come one, come all, register as equals and post to me your thoughts and gripes and quips and video links. Tell what you’ve done wrong or speak unto me about all the trials that your fellow man has put you through without mercy. Confess to me of your sins on last Friday night and tell me of the devils which influenced you this Saturday. Speak to me of the flaws of your generation. Tell me what you think about Law and Order and CSI and tell me how tired you are this morning and do not want to go to work. I will hear all of your sad stories, all of your funniest moments, share in your lusts, and click “Like” on your declarations of personal independence. If I notice you put a new picture up, I will be there to comment on it, how pretty it is, you are, or how cool you look doing what you’re doing in it. You can tell me any truth, no matter how big or small and I will not judge you. When you enter into my lands, bicker and argue with one another with words and let your brothers and sisters comment on your behalf but let no conflicts be resolved with violence but only comments and posts. If you friend request me, I will oblige and take you into my list and your profile pic will be among a choir of others singing in joy and union and we will all be one under one roof,under one idea, and under one faith. For all the glory and access and reunions and second chances I offer, I ask only your loyalty and that you covet with no other social networking sites and also that you give willingly and without question your personal information which I will share for the purest of purposes through my parishioners of faith. So post one and post all, whether man, woman,or child, but come here and share in what every one has to share—welcome to the Church of Facebook!
|Posted by sean berry on June 27, 2010 at 12:00 AM||comments (2)|
Wanted: Guy with a huge dong, 2 million or more in combined assets, and plenty of well-to-do douchebag friends
Hi there, I’m Grace, and I’m the girl that every man wants. I have 6 kids-all by different men- that my Mom and Grandparents take care of while Ilive my life as a young modern socialista. My hobbies include going to the tanning booth, spending my father's money, and complaining about how ugly and stupid all the other women around me are. I expect you to start a fun and interesting conversation with me while I act completely uninterested and handle all the incoming messages guys are sending me. You will wait your turn while I evaluate each new guy because he may have a little more money then you or a slightly bigger penis, so pardon me if this girl is going to go for the gold! While I am not shallow by any means, you do have to be unbelievably good looking to even want to message me, but if you have over a few million dollars, I’m willing to be a little more forgiving, though please keep in mind I have quite a few bed buddies and will typically break dates with you in order to go have sex with them. They are not men that have more money than you, per se, but men who have boned me good in the past and make me feel really sexy by treating me as if I’m nothing at all.
I’m looking for a guy to treat me right and then treat me like shit again rightafterwards. I’m going to get angry at you for no reason and fly off thehandle and I expect that you’ll have no problems with the fact that I’ve hadnothing but bad relationship after bad relationship. I will flirt withyour guy friends and I’ll even give them head when you pass out drunk from allthe shots they fed you because I told them if you were asleep I’d do whateverthey wanted. If after I wake up from some sex with you in the morning andI see some money sticking out of your wallet, expect that I will take it andno, that does not make me a prostitute, but it’s always the guy’s job to takecare of the lady and the money I am taking is for gas...to get to my other fuckbuddies house across the town.
If you are the romantic type, great, because I love cruises and private jet trips to foreign countries. The more lavish a time you show me, the moreI will laugh at your jokes and the less attention I’ll spend checking out other guys. For all you deep, meaningful and truly loving men out there, please understand that if you have no money, all these traits are worthless. I believe that I should have to do nothing in this world but be the pretty sexy young goddess that I am and oh by the way, while I am technically 28, I dorefer to myself as 18 on my profile because my beautician says I look extremely young for my age. If you are interested, please submit a picture ofyourself, your penis, five of your best looking friends, and also some financial and employment references so I can verify that you do in fact have alot of money. Also, if you would like to donate some money to my breast implant/butt implant/liposuction/nose job/and cheek implant fund, please put SUGAR DADDY in your subject heading so I can contact you immediately to give you the information on where to send the money. Thank you for your time and even if you don’t get to date a girl like me, you can at least send me a few bucks and maybe see one of my pictures. I also have uglier friends who will take the guys that I don’t deem attractive or wealthy enough, so no one goes away unhappy! Hugs & kisses, xoxo lol muahz!